Guest Commentary | Accepting yourself for who you are
Suicide is a difficult topic to discuss. It often makes people uncomfortable and can lead to thinking about dark, disturbing thoughts. But these vulnerable conversations can also lead to awareness and the understanding that you’re not alone.
For 44-year-old Tyler Kaulbars, suicide is something he’s thought about since he was 12 years old. That’s when his oldest brother got into legal trouble. Their parents fought to clear his name and he wound up pleading no contest, but in the process, the family lost everything. Their finances were depleted and they lost all their friends and family. As a result, they ended up moving to Florida from Texas.
“I knew some things that could have helped him had we gone to trial,” Tyler said. “And at 12 years old, it was a very heavy weight. I felt like I could have helped my brother, and I felt responsible for what he went through and what our family went through. I took a lot of that weight on my shoulders.”
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‘Sea’ the Hope Luncheon
When: Monday, Nov. 16, at 11:30 a.m.
Where: Sea Salt Naples
Guest Speaker: Tyler Kaulbars
To register or donate: Visit: app.betterunite.com/namicollier
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He started acting out, was kicked out of school, and had to be homeschooled. Due to his family’s financial situation, everyone was always working, so he spent much of his time alone.
There was a clear breaking point for Tyler when he cut himself playing with a toy. It left a deep sense of disappointment, so much so that he wanted to hurt himself. That incident introduced something in his mind, a “character” that he now calls “The Warden.” The Warden watches over the prison of his mind. He tells Tyler he’s not good enough… he should never have been born… he should end it all. These are worrisome thoughts at any age, but at 12 years old, they’re potentially tragic.
Then at 14, Tyler discovered drugs. They stopped the voices in his head, albeit temporarily. He felt comfortable in his own skin and good enough to speak with other people. He didn’t isolate and felt like he wasn’t alone anymore.
Drug users often level up when one drug stops working, turning toward a more potent option. Eventually, he began using cocaine, but the more he used the drug, the worse things got and the more paranoid he became. The Warden was constantly in his head, and his drug-induced psychosis was making it worse.
By 17, his mother was aware of his drug use. He had attempted suicide three times and was sent to mental institutions. His mother gave him two options – rehab or jail – and he knew she meant business. He reluctantly chose rehab, and it temporarily changed his life. He learned techniques for communicating with himself, so The Warden’s voice wasn’t as loud. He attended meetings and stayed clean for a decade.
At 28, though, things changed. By that point, he hadn’t attended meetings in five years, he learned he had bipolar disorder and he was introduced to a new character – “The Achiever.” The Achiever told him if he works harder than anyone else on the planet, there’s nothing he can’t achieve. So, Tyler had The Warden as his depressive side and The Achiever as the manic side. It was a constant rollercoaster of high and lows, excitement then darkness. That’s not sustainable.
Tyler just couldn’t maintain it anymore, so he started drinking and using drugs again. He got a divorce, left his religion, lost his friends and his business. It was at that point when he planned to end his life. He left everything here in Southwest Florida and flew to Las Vegas to carry out his plan. Somehow, his brother made contact with him, and not knowing how deeply troubled he was, he advised Tyler to come home, he’d give him a job, and everything would be OK.
Unfortunately, that’s not how bipolar works. Yes, Tyler found success at work and was meeting the needs of The Achiever. Unbeknownst to his brother, he continued using drugs and drinking. The roller coaster started again, but nine years elapsed until his brother realized he was using, and they also had a terrible argument. Tyler left the company deeply hurt and not in a good place mentally.
He then started his own company and found success but was still trying to please The Achiever. He was searching for peace and true happiness, and relief from those dueling people inside his head. He desperately wanted everyone to say, “Tyler did it. He lived up to his potential.” That didn’t motivate him to be better. In fact, it only made him worse.
This all led to his seventh suicide attempt in 2022. This time, he had a very specific plan, was going to take action and it was going to work. He didn’t think of it as a cry for help; it was Tyler needing rest, and he was determined to end this whole situation.
“The only reason I’m still alive today is because I was rescued at the last moment by police officers,” Tyler explained. “They broke into the windows of my truck, dragged me to the ground and saved me. And that started the greatest period of my life.”
Lying flat on his back, he finally realized what he was looking for in life isn’t found at a job, in a store or stuffed in his wallet… it’s inside of him. He never looked there because he was afraid to hear those two loud voices – The Warden and The Achiever. As he dug deeper and began to acknowledge his mental illness, the voices grew quieter.
Now at 44, the voices have still not gone away entirely. However, he can accept his mental illness. He’s bipolar, so he has ups and downs, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a great person.
Tyler doesn’t need to pretend anymore. He learned that when speaking with psychiatrists after his suicide attempt and discovering that his illness was like diabetes of the brain… if he took his medication, he could manage his condition. Mental illness is a lifelong journey, and medication or therapy alone aren’t always enough. However, if he includes other practices on top of medication and therapy, such as taking part in programs offered by support groups like NAMI Collier, then his life can be just like anyone else’s — but it takes work. He really took that to heart.
Four years since coming to that realization, Tyler understands that recovery does not mean transforming into a different person; it means learning how to live as the person he is. Mental illness is part of his story, but it does not define his worth or his future. With honesty, continued self-discovery, treatment and support, he’s learned there is hope beyond the darkest moments. He shared his story because no one should face those moments alone, and if you’re going through a similar process, just know that recovery is possible.
Beth Hatch, CEO of NAMI Collier County, has spent her career in education and nonprofit services. She is a passionate advocate for mental wellness and a parent of a special needs child.